Hard Feelings

Well, the day has come upon us, the day I blocked my ex boyfriend’s number. Not only that, but it’s the day I took his power away, the power he still held to control my feelings and emotions. Just with a text, just with a phone call. Not anymore.

I have mixed feelings about this monumental event.

The truth is, both of us like to act as if everything is fine and we can still be best buds and stay in contact, but the reality is, there are hard feelings. I haven’t admitted to them, but I am now.

Looking back, I realize the pain he caused me, how he made me feel insecure about things I shouldn’t feel negatively about, how he didn’t guard my heart the way it should have been, the way he wrote off my emotions as not mattering, the way he never prioritized me the way I should be.

I became my least favorite person when I was with him.

I was constantly paranoid, I was insecure, I was needy, I was anxious. I looked to him to give me my worth and purpose, and he couldn’t do that.

I forgot where my identity and worth comes from, and that really screwed me up.

But by the grace of God, I saw the amount of toxic fumes in this relationship, and got away. It’s a hard and painful moment when you realize the person you love, and the person you’ve believed is your future, is actually the person making you a miserable version of yourself.

He is not a bad guy. He was bad for me, but he can be good for another girl.

But for me, he hurt me in a lot of ways, ways that I didn’t even realize were happening until I left him, and still to this day (3 months later), I have hard feelings.

Which is why when he texts me at 2 in the morning saying he wants to talk and asking if I will give him the time, I decline. Seeing his name on my phone gives me anxiety, because it brings back all of the negative and hurtful feelings of that relationship. And I don’t want him having that power over me. He’s held that power for about a year now, but it ends today.

Hard feelings are a thing, and I definitely have them with him. And that doesn’t mean I don’t wish him well, and I don’t want him to be happy, it just means, no, you can’t have power over me anymore. You can’t call or text me whenever you want. You can’t apologize, you can’t reason with me, you can’t get me back. I’m gone now. And blocking his number was the last straw to finally be free of his hold on me.

Y’all, remember where your worth comes from. Don’t find it in a boy who tells you nice things sometimes. Don’t lose sight of who you are. I changed who I was to who I thought he wanted me to be, and in that, lost myself. I’m just now figuring out who I was before him and who I want to be. Knowing yourself and staying true to your morals and standards is so important.

Remember that you are worthy and loved and deserve the world– be with someone who shows you those things everyday, even though you know it without him. Don’t settle for anything less.

Today I am free, I am redeemed, I am loved, I am worthy, I am priceless. And so are you.

(P.s. Go listen to “Hard Feelings/Loveless” by Lorde because it’s bomb)

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